Intimacy (the emotional,
physical and spiritual connection you and your partner create together) is the
greatest gift and the biggest challenge of committed relationships. When you
remain too separate from your partner, intimacy suffers, yet the danger also
exists that you will lose yourself in intimacy’s embrace. Learn the different
between intimacy and unhealthy dependency, so that you can experience the joys
of an intimate relationship.

Couples often seek
marriage counseling because of difficulties with intimacy. Why are so many
couples struggling with intimacy? In order to fully connect with your
spouse/partner, you need to share the deepest parts of yourself while
maintaining a separate sense of self. This balancing act isn’t always easy and
there may be times when it feels like you’ve given so much of yourself that you
feel lost or that the old you is nowhere to be found.

A deep emotional
connection needs to include two separate, well-boundaried individuals, as well
as the blending of two souls (the “we” that becomes the
relationship).

Intimacy and
dependency: How are they different?

When you’re in an
intimate relationship you will:

~set out on new adventures
with your partner because they matter to him/her;

~temporarily place your
needs on hold in order to make your partner a priority;

~leave your
“self” (the recognizable you) at times in order to step into your
partner’s emotional world;

~re-surface as a separate,
autonomous individual after intense moments of connection;

~challenge and bring out
the best in each other.

When an unhealthy
dependency has taken hold of the relationship, you will:

~continuously neglect your
own needs in order to appease your partner;

~often be motivated out of fear and/or guilt (fear that your partner
will abandon you or become angered; guilt over having interests and joys that
are your own);

~ repeatedly defer to your
partner;

~have difficulty thinking
for yourself (especially when faced with decisions);

~feel that your opinions
don’t matter.

We all depend on our
spouse/partner?for support, validation, guidance, love, and companionship. When
you stop depending on one another, you become two separate beings on parallel
journeys. Intimacy (the “we” resulting from commitment and a deep
connection with another person) demands that you take risks and rely on each
other.

But intimacy and unhealthy
dependency are very different?intimacy fills your soul and allows the best you
to emerge; dependency is disempowering?it forces you to close off your truest
self, your essence.

The power (and
joy) of getting lost in intimacy 

There may be times when
you feel pulled under by the currents of intimacy. You can fight against these
experiences (and try to always remain a separate
“I”) or try to remain open to these powerful
forces. When submerged, you have moved beyond your individualistic “self”
and entered into a new kind of experience ?a shared connectedness that goes
beyond the two people who make up the experience. This merger might result from
a powerful sexual experience, a shared spiritual undertaking or an empathic
connection that leaves you momentarily unrecognizable. This level of intimacy
is magical and can be transformative. 

Such intensity can also be
frightening. When fear overtakes the experience, you may fight to reclaim your autonomous
“self” and swim against these currents in order to gain a more
comfortable footing and distance from your partner. You may need an emotional lifejacket
that will allow you to feel safe within the depths of intimacy.  

You may need an
intimacy lifejacket

Self-trust
will be a necessary part of your intimacy lifejacket?an important component of
self-trust is having (or learning to have) healthy boundaries that will help
you to re-emerge as a separate person after moments of deep connection with
your partner. Without healthy boundaries, you’re in danger of drowning in the
depths of your partner’s experiences?his/her needs will overtake you. To help
secure your intimacy lifejacket , you’ll also need a trustworthy partner?someone
who respects your boundaries and who will give you the support you’ll need as
you both head into the deeper waters of connection.

About the author

Tags: balancing act, committed relationships, couples, emotional connection, emotional world, fear, guilt, intense moments, intimate relationship, marriage, marriage counseling, priority, relationship intimacy, sense of self, spiritual connection

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